Tag Archives: emotion

Helplessly Devoted

20 May

walk a mile in my shoesThis is a tough subject to broach with no conflict or judgement, but this will be my attempt at some hope instead of being helplessly devoted. Okay my son was on Government or state insurance until he was 1. That means the hubby and I have been trying to find some kind of insurance that is affordable. Although we cannot really afford any extra bills at this time, there is obviously some importance in having health coverage right? Yes ma’am there is! I haven’t found anything yet, and let me tell you, I have been feeling less of a parent for it. Let me further break it down for you:

He has his well visit coming up (was supposed to be at the end of the week). They want all the money up front which is 190 bucks for the actual visit, and then 15 bucks for each vaccine he needs, I think he needs 3 or 4. Yes I vaccinate, get over it, not what this is about here. OKay that’s pretty simple huh? Well yesterday my son was walking outside and didn’t lift his foot high enough from the grass to the sidewalk. All I could do was watch it happen, as if it was replaying in slow motion. His face bounced off the sidewalk, and it was one of those head smashers you can hear. LOUD! Like any well to do parent, I freaked out. After all this isn’t someone else’s child I can help fix, this is my little 15 month old baby. Momma’s boy. Now he has a busted nose and lips, cracked tooth and some scratches.

Sweet baby Linus watching the rain come falling down.

Sweet baby Linus watching the rain come falling down.

Which means he needs to go see a dentist. You realize how much it cost a new patient to go see a dentist? and a child at that?

I guess they see little tiny humans and think okay we can gouge their parents eyes out because what option do they really have? Sucks, pretty much for the hard-worker who is trying to do everything right.

I can’t help but think I’ve been failing as a parent. Nothing is worse than giving it your all and falling short on what your child needs. Its embarrassing. I understand these are my own internal demons, but gah pride is definitely too blame. We never

Linus on the 4th of July Last year.

Linus on the 4th of July Last year.

want to disappoint our children and want to provide them with all the things they need and obviously some things they want. What happens when you feel like you are doing them a disservice, because you literally have no assets or money for something they need?

I can work with payments, but the world has gone to hell in a handbasket and payments are not a loud. I could never work in billing, because let me just say, if I ran across a child with no insurance you can bet your sweet ass I would be doing some illegal shit to get them seen.

What’s the point you ask? Well nothing really, besides I needed to cry and vent. I needed to feel like I hadn’t let my son down. I need to feel Devoted and not HOPELESSLY DEVOTED. There is a tunnel with the light at the end, I am just not close enough yet. TIME my friends. God has got this one, because momma needs help right about now.

Some days we want to freeze, stop the bad from continuing, but we have to woman up and take it, women are some of the strongest people I know for all we have to endure. The worry, the money,

Just in case you wanted to know, this is what it looks like after you get ya big girl pantaloons on.

Just in case you wanted to know, this is what it looks like after you get ya big girl pantaloons on.

the heartache from our babies leaving the nest, homework that never got finished….it will always be something else, something more to handle, time to saddle up and put my big girl panties on and deal with it like the raging lunatic I am.

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